Helicoptermamma

I received a letter from a woman regarding DNA testing of her step-daughter. The letter reads as follows…

“Dear Helicoptermamma,

I am writing you to get your advice on whether you think my husband should request his eldest daughter take a DNA test.  I’ve been happily married to a wonderful man for 15 years, but during that time I’ve heard from various members of his immediate family that his eldest daughter (age 25) may not be his biological daughter.  He has four wonderful children and I love them all as if they were my own.  I have one son who will be starting college next year, but as my husband and I are growing older, we are working towards leaving behind a substantial amount of life insurance policies for our children.  I have insurance policies that total well over $500,000 thousand dollars in benefits.

However, I just don’t feel right leaving money to children that are NOT his (our) biological children and/or grandchildren.  But, I asked my husband about his daughter possibly taking a DNA test and his response was, “Let’s just leave things as they are”; which I interpreted this as meaning he really didn’t want to know whether the child was his biological child or not, especially since he’s raised the child since birth as his own flesh and blood.   And she could very strongly possibly be his own child, but since his first wife cheated and was unfaithful to him during their marriage, I asked him what makes him believe that she wasn’t cheating on you PRIOR to the marriage?  He admitted to me that there was another guy she was sleeping with while he was dating her.   His relatives have adamantly stated that the child looks exactly like the other guy and the other guy’s family.

Which begs the question, “Who is the father of your eldest daughter?”  He also said he spoke to his mother about the DNA test and his mother responded, “That’s just ridiculous, your daughter looks just like you.”  But, I have seen so many men raising children that look like them but were NOT their biological kids.  It makes me wonder why he wouldn’t take the test – since he so strongly believes the child is actually his biological daughter?  What is he afraid of if he truly thinks the child is 99.9% his?

Belinda from Indianapolis, Indiana

*****Helicoptermamma’s response to Belinda’s letter….

Belinda, I think you should leave the subject alone.  If your husband is OK with raising a child who may NOT be his biological child, then that is his business.  He has that right.  However, I do understand that you don’t want to leave money for children who are NOT his or your direct biological offspring.   In that case, I would suggest you exclude the child in question from any of your life insurance policies.  Evidently, your husband knows something he is not disclosing and maybe things are better left the way they are…but my advice would be to leave your insurance policies to your biological son and allow your husband the option to bequeath his life insurance policies to his four children.

Obviously his mother is in a possible state of denial.  Lets’ face it – she has raised his eldest daughter as her biological grandchild.  She would be heart-broken to find out after a DNA test that the child is not biologically linked to her son.  So, in this situation, it’s better NOT to know the truth for their sake.  Also, the 25-year-old daughter would want to know who her true biological father is and maybe the child’s mother is not ready to disclose that information.

Belinda, men have a very big EGO and finding out 25 years later that a man has raised a child that is NOT his biological child – would be a HUGE blow to his EGO.  So, Belinda don’t discuss the subject ever again with your husband or anyone else.  But listen up girl, leave all of your life insurance and inheritance to your son.  Your husband is old enough to make his own decisions about his children, so let him decide what he wants to do with his life insurance policies, etc.  Also, if you feel uncomfortable purchasing gifts or sending money to the eldest daughter and her children, then let that be known.  Tell your husband you want to treat all of his children as if they are your own, but you need to know if they are indeed his biological offspring.  But don’t bring the subject up unless your husband asks you to do something for his kids.  Belinda, you too have a right NOT to give anything to children who are not biologically linked to you or to your husband.  But, remember that your husband also has the right to take care and love this child as though she is his own.  Seems like it really doesn’t matter to him whether or not he is truly the father.  So, let it go and don’t bring this up ever again.  I wish you both the best.